canyouhearme?amiontheair?

I can’t even fucking deal with myself anymore. fuck me.

fuck.

enjoy my weekend, we’ll speak on monday.  too much. i don’t know what i’m doing. i’m not making him happy. what went wrong? I was before wasn’t I? I’m falling backwards fucking grasping at air and him and pulling him down and he deserves better than that and i’m fucking it up and I don’t want to lose him. I want to make things right and he’s told me how but i don’t know how all at the same time. I guess I have changed since we first met. my mouth tastes bad and I want to sleep so i don’t have to think about it but i’m not that kind of tired. He’s tried so hard and has given me everything and i guess i’ve given nothing back. Maybe i haven’t changed ever. i don’t know. I don’t want to lose him but i have this sinking feeling. what am i gonna do? since I lost Punk in 2010 I’ve changed and I’ve changed again and again since then. people change. but i guess i’m moving backward. who knows. I just want him to be happy. thats how it was with Punk and thats how it is now. I’ll do what ever makes him happy. even if it hurts because i don’t know if i can really change how things are now because i’m scared and mom told me fear keeps you alive but it hurts. she didn’t tell me it would hurt me.  he wants to start our lives together and i’m still fighting with my parents and finding my way and i guess it’s not working out. I need to grow up but i’m holding myself back out of fear and i don’t know how to say this out loud and I just want him to understand but i don’t understand. I sound crazy. I guess i’m not good at relationships. grow the fuck up dipwad. fuck fuck fuck. I really wish i had a magic button i could press that would get my shit together so I could move forward. fuck. my neck hurts. i guess i’ll just have to wait till monday huh? I’m just trying to figure out my life. i’m kicking my own ass here. teach me how to life please. I just want to make him happy. seeing him would make him happy. but i don’t know how to do that at this point. just fuck. i don’t know how. well i do know how but i’m fearful. I love him so much. so much it hurts and i want to scream it from the mountain tops and i don’t know how to express it. i’m not good at that. i’m like a vapid d-bag or something. just some idiot. who can’t fucking spell or express her feelings of love. I am desperate to not be fearful. teach me how to be a different kind of stupid. i’ll need to teach myself I know. just fuck. what the hell happened to the person i thought i was? where did she go. what is happening. whats going on. I love him. i Iove him. I love him. i’m such a fuck up. i’m so tired. the album is almost over. i need to make a change right now. now. NOW.  the album is ending. too many endings. just fucking learn julia!